Unlocking The Power of Active Listening.
Listening is like honey, a balm that soots the soul and adds sweetness to a weary heart. The art of listening isn’t one of tardiness, but an act that involves consciously being present, with an open heart of no judgment and an environment of care and empathy. As Ernest Hemingway said "When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen.”
In today’s world where people have challenges and problems of different calls, it’s essential to understand the importance of listening and how it can truly change the dynamics of a relationship, even healing a fallen one.
What is listening?
Imagine a nursing mom feeding her newborn at a specific time during the day. She not only knows when to feed, she knows what to do to ensure her baby is okay. Firstly, she eats healthy and avoids caffeine, she also sets up the environment for feeding. Gets her nursing pillow for support for the baby and a chair to sit for herself and then takes the baby and feeds, also watching out for signs that the baby is full so as not to overfeed. At the end of the day, the baby is well-fed and takes a nap right after and mum gets to rest too. Both are happy.
Listening is not further from this, it involves paying attention to information from the other party, being empathetic and truly caring, and desiring to attend to others' perspectives on a subject matter, even if the topic of discussion is something of importance or trigger to you without judgment or questioning. It's so easy to speak and say all that's on your mind at a seat of discussion but what truly matters is if the other party was heard. While it is important to speak, listening makes others feel seen and heard.
Now let's dive into the difference between hearing and listening. For that, we will be looking into what passive hearing is and how it is distinct from active listening.
What is Passive Hearing?
You practice passive hearing when you are not paying much attention to what’s being said by the other party. It’s like being in a disco hall with all the music but you are zoned off from the environment, you’re presently there and aware of the discussion, but you’re not fully engaged with it.
"There's a big difference between listening and hearing. Listening is an act of giving. Hearing is a passive reaction." - Paul Andrew Yoon.
When you passively hear a conversation, what you are saying is that the other person’s words and feelings concerning that situation or challenge don’t matter and that you are not willing to understand their stance and put yourself in their situation. In turn, trust is broken and the person feels unheard disrespected, and resentment.
Active Listening.
In contrast, active listening requires focusing on what’s being said and trying to understand it. Imagine you’re having a conversation with someone close to you, a friend, a family member, or even a colleague. You’re discussing something that matters deeply to you, something you’re passionate about or struggling with. As you share your thoughts and feelings, you notice the other person is truly paying attention. They’re leaning forward, making eye contact, and asking thoughtful questions that show they’re genuinely interested in what you have to say. This is active listening where your mind and soul are involved in the conversation and emotional intelligence is applied.
Emotional intelligence can serve as a tool by implementing empathy paying attention to the speaker's words and tone asking questions to clarify points while conversing.
"To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others." - Tony Robbins
As it stands, everyone in the world holds a view about something. Two individuals can be looking at a cloud and see it shaped in different forms, one can see a rabbit-shaped cloud and the other a baby deer.
Communicating effectively will have to do with listening objectively without any form of bias, laying your claim, and coming to a compromise in discussion. Have it at heart that effective communication and active listening foster relationships. To effectively communicate, you must be an effective listener.
To achieve this, you must genuinely show interest in what the other person is talking about and aim to understand their point. To do this you must:
Stay focused: while talking with someone or listening, try to avoid any kind of distractions, such as checking your phone, interrupting to say something, or even thinking about what next to say. Doing this may come across as being rude, unemphatetic, and compassionate. Instead, focus on the speaker's words and body language.
Ask questions: You can never go wrong with the right questions. Asking questions alongside what the speaker said can show that you're engaged with the conversation and help you understand the other person better.
This leads to my next point - The benefits of Active Listening.
Improved empathy: When you actively listen to someone, you’re better able to understand their perspective and empathize with them. Without empathy, you won’t be able to grasp the reality of the other person enough to put yourself in their shoes. This can help you build stronger relationships and be more understanding of others.
increased oxytocin levels:
A study on increased oxytocin levels published in 2015 in the journal "Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience." found that oxytocin (a hormone associated with empathy and social bonding) is released when people engage in social interaction that involves eye contact and active listening. This suggests that actively listening can lead to increased oxytocin levels, which may contribute to stronger social connections.
Improved problem-solving skills: actively listening to someone, enables you to identify the root cause of a problem, rather than just the symptoms. This can lead to effective problem-solving skills, thereby creating more satisfying solutions.
Enhanced Emotional Validation: Research published in 2010 by the journal "Psychological Science" suggests that when people feel that their emotions are being genuinely validated, they are more likely to feel connected and supported. This shows that active listening, which involves acknowledging and validating the emotions of the speaker, can contribute to stronger emotional bonds.
It is essential to note that active listening takes practice and is a continuous learning process so don’t beat yourself up if you miss it sometimes, keep practicing and learning.
You may be asking, what habits can I adopt to become a more present listener? Here are a few.
Firstly, Practice mindfulness: Clear your mind of every distraction and stay focused. Be in the environment. Mindfulness is the practice of bringing your full attention to the present moment. If taking a few breaths will help calm you to stay focused, then do just that.
Secondly, use non-verbal cues: Nodding, smiling, and maintaining eye contact can show that you're paying attention and interested in what the speaker is saying.
Thirdly, listen without judgment: If you have any preconceived ideas or judgments about the person and the topic of discussion please set them aside as bringing them into the discussion can cause more harm. Try approaching the conversation with an open mind.
Finally, be curious: Ask questions to learn more about the speaker's perspective and experiences. This can help you gain a deeper understanding of their thoughts and feelings.
Here are some expert's opinions on how the importance of listening fosters deep connections.
Brené Brown is a researcher and storyteller who specializes in courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy. Her TED talks have garnered millions of views worldwide. In one of her best-selling books, "Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead," Brown emphasizes the importance of trust and safety in human relationships.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bren%C3%A9_Brown
According to renowned relationship expert and therapist Esther Perel, "Intimacy is not about sex. Intimacy is about truth." By actively listening to someone and showing genuine interest in their experiences, you create a space where they can share their truths with you, leading to deeper intimacy.
When you're fully present with someone and truly listening to them, it creates a sense of intimacy and connection.
https://www.estherperel.com/about#:~:text=Psychotherapist%20and%20New%20York%20Times,original%20voices%20on%20modern%20relationships.
In conclusion, unlocking the power of active listening cannot be over-emphasized as it promotes a better relationship with others.
Here is a call to action:
- Write out five habits you know aren’t helping you communicate effectively.
- Now that you have written out the issues, write out three solutions that would help you achieve effective listening.
Until next time, keep learning and listening.
