Why Your Parents Do Not Understand You(Part 2).
“It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognise, accept, and celebrate those differences.” — Audre Lorde
Dissimilarities exist between Parents and their kids, a major reason for this is the differences in societal and cultural beliefs and stereotypes. As the world advances, culture and people’s way of life changes and in this time what was considered acceptable in the past generation isn’t the same for the present or new era generation.
In my opinion, stereotypes have affected and shaped people’s behavior and thinking patterns in society, giving rise to prejudice that tells what a person is, what they can be and not be. Stereotypes are one of the root causes of gender expectations and disappointments. Look forward to my thoughts on stereotypes in a future post.
Now that we have established how generational changes and Identity influence why your parents do not understand you. Let’s look at other factors too.
3. Cultural differences.
As a child I loved to paint and draw; these activities made me enthusiastic in a way I couldn’t fathom. I would dedicate time to cut up pieces of paper and make a design, while my parents had no issue with this, they expected my attention on more important issues ‘like reading your books’.
Reading is a necessity and I did read a lot, but their concern was from the mindset that reading pays off more than the activities I was engaged in. So stop this childish nonsense and do what you should do — Is this what your mates are doing? were the words that accompanied their complaints.
Along with this, my friends in the compound where we lived at that time had their stories too. Football was a favorite sport of every kid my age back then and whenever my male friends were back from school, they would take off their school uniforms and rush to space at the entrance of the house to play the game.
The nostalgic feelings that followed the game were incredible but there was a problem — their parents didn’t like the idea of them playing around because they were expected to read their books. Whenever they were caught playing the game, what followed was a lash with a cane. That’s the tradition here in my country (Nigeria). Most parents believe it’s the best disciplinarian device that sets a child right.
If you read through the experiences shared above, you would discover that both parents want their children to do one thing — reading their books. Cultural differences determine how your parents perceive who you are and what you do. Recall, I mentioned that as a result of generational differences what they perceive will be different from yours.
When I was in secondary school, I had long and bushy brows that made me look boyish, and going to an all-girls school didn’t make that easier. One day, I shaped my brow from school and arrived home late, my parents bust out angrily seeing my shaved brows and concluded that I had started doing the wrong things and joined bad gangs.
This is how they perceived things culturally — a girl must be chase regardless. But they didn’t understand that as a teenage girl looking beautiful was something I wanted and shaping my brows added to my confidence.
The way you dress, speak, show respect, and view the socio-cultural world will differ greatly from that of your parents. Your parents may believe in scolding a child by using strong disciplinary methods. They may think wearing long dresses and nice jeans is modest and fashionable compared to ripped jeans and short clothes. They may also believe religion would help your course in life. All these and more may serve as areas of disagreement between parents and their kids.
Seek to know what cultural aspect is relevant to your parents, and help them see why you can’t do certain things they might want you to do because of the changing world value system.
4. Independence.
“Independence is happiness. “ — Susan B. Anthony
Susan in this quote shares the joy that emanates from being independent. We all get to that particular age where we no longer want to be controlled by anyone especially our parents — we want to live our lives, make decisions without having anyone breathe down our necks, move out of our parent’s home and start a family someday… The list keeps getting longer but the reality of this is — Parents want to keep control of their kids and struggle with recognizing their children as adults who no longer need their involvement.
Parents need to understand that as time goes on, they have to accept that their offspring would grow independent of them and form their own identities and personal values; they should be ready to accommodate changes and make room for better communication with their children.
If you are ever wondering why it’s so hard to do things your way without your parents interfering. Let this be a guide for you; your parent may be struggling with how independent you have become of them.
It will be surprising to find parents who aren’t happy to see their child get off their roof to do better out there. If there are indeed parents who stifle independence then that’s a toxic one and should be addressed immediately.
5. Live their dreams.
“Children shouldn’t have to sacrifice so that you can have the life you want, You make sacrifices so your children can have the life they deserve.” — Anonymous
According to a study conducted on a group of parents with at least one child aged between 8 and 15, parents see their child as their extensions. https://parentingrecipes.com/2019/12/21-2/
Many parents are guilty of the above quote trying to force their unfulfilled dreams on their children, and pushing them to make sacrifices that ought not to be made. This is a very selfish act, while the reason behind such behavior is the dear need to satisfy their unfulfilled dreams and once again feel the essence of youthful age. It is disturbing as this decision leaves a dire effect on the child’s life.
Parents need to know and understand that trying to shove down their unfulfilled dreams on their kids will create distance between them and their kids.
Your child is your child, not you. They are different in their ways and would crave and desire things in life that not the same as yours. When you think you are doing it for their benefit, take time to think about this; it’s not really about them. It is about you and this act will ruin their lives.
Some parents live dreams through their kids to impress other parents. What they couldn’t be in their teenage or adulthood — they try to enforce on their offsprings, so they can boast about it and feel a sense of accomplishment whenever they do.
Most children have to compete with choosing between following their dreams and that of their parents for them, finding themselves in a dilemma that causes resentment and anger for their parents.
This is unfair; the consequences that arise from kids ditching their dreams to fulfill that of their parents, live deep hurts and bitterness later in life. While some have argued that following their parents’ advice on doing something different from what they intended doing proved effective for their lives; others are living in the misery of that decision.
Parents who are in the act of living their dreams through their kids should stop it and embrace the individuality and personality of their offsprings while letting them live in full capacity all they dream and want to achieve.
6. Lack of family time.
“Family is a unique gift that needs to be appreciated and treasured, even when they’re driving you crazy. As much as they make you mad, interrupt you, annoy you, curse at you, try to control you, these are the people who know you the best and who love you.” — Jenna Morasca
A family forms the basics of society, and what bonds each member is the act of communication. Many parents don’t know their kids and this has caused disagreement in many ways than imagined, even at the smallest things. Lack of communication between parents and their children can create walls that may be unbreakable in the future especially as it involves closeness between them.
When parents don’t spend time with their kids it creates room for — lack of values, absence of bonding between parents and child, negative behaviors, withdrawal, and keeping of secrets.
Before writing this, I asked a few friends about their views on the importance of family time. They all agreed that family time is essential if parents are interested in knowing their children better, and it also helps them understand the differences between siblings and how well to create a relationship that is well suited for each child without the other feeling compared or left out of parental love.
A colleague of mine had this to say — “While growing up, we had a tradition of eating together from the same plates. My mother would scoop our food in a large bowl and all siblings would rush to eat. The beauty about this is the arguments that followed each spoon of food: the eagerness to eat more than the other, despite knowing there was more food to go around even if we were not all full, the desire to eat quickly and stand up so you wouldn’t have to do the dishes as the last person to leave the plate was assigned the work of cleaning up after. This created a bond between my siblings and me as we would laugh off our food adventure later in the day, while our parents watched us eat and caution us with smiles on their faces.”
Family time is important because it helps you know your kids on a deeper level.
The links below explain in detail the effects of lack of family time on the children.
https://www.indiaparenting.com/harmful-effects-of-not-spending-quality-time-with-kids.html
https://www.theconfidencemag.com/effects-of-not-spending-time-with-family/
7. Communication.
Words are like swords in their raw forms; when tried in the fire they melt like butter and are put in a form to cause a shape. But when pressure is applied, it becomes hardened and takes the form of that shape permanently except when put in the fire again.
“Like a trained surgeon who is careful where he cuts, parents, too, need to become skilled in the use of words. Because words are like knives. They can inflict, if not physical, many painful emotional wounds.”
― Haim G. Ginott
Haim G. Ginott in his book — Between Parent and Child shares this quote on how effective words shape a child’s wellbeing or personality. Lack of communication tops the list of why your parents do not understand you.
A father who works to provide for his family without being there for his daughter’s first sports competition would think he has communicated because he is caring for the child’s needs while the child sees differently and thinks her father doesn’t care.
As a child, my parents said a lot of hurtful words to me when chastising me. While the result was to see a changed child who learned from her mistakes, what they didn’t see is how they communicated it. It caused me emotional hurt which I was mindful of for a long time before letting go.
How you communicate with your parents is important and determines how well you both understand each other. You might need to consider how well to get your points across to your parents, so they understand better.
Communication is a two-way process that involves listening and feedback; parents need to learn to listen to their kids and communicate without using provocative and demeaning words or second guess the experiences of their children when they tell them how their words made them feel. Kids should learn how to talk respectfully to parents while also encouraging feedback.
