Why your Parents do not Understand You (Part 3).

Final episode.

Photo by Daniel Mingook Kim on Unsplash

Relationships are the building blocks for great encounters with people; whichever way, a healthy relationship creates good experiences.

In the past 2 weeks, we examined critically the reasons your parents do not understand you.

In order, they are:

• Generational Changes
• Identity
• Cultural differences
• Independence
• Live their dreams
• Lack of family time
• Communication.

In the concluding part of this series, I’ll let you in on all you can do to make your parents understand you.

Parents aren’t the same, depending on factors such as education or moral understanding, how your parents will perceive what you say, will vary from others. To communicate with your parents especially if they are the type who leaves no room for communication you must know how to navigate around them to get your views aired.

As a teenager who grew up in a Christian home, I wore skirts a lot because the idea of wearing trousers was seen as disobedience to the word of God that warned against women wearing what belongs to a man. I didn’t believe that, I thought those words were taken out of context to suit people’s religious and cultural beliefs.

One day, I decided to break the norm and bought a pair of trousers home, my mum wouldn’t have them and kept telling me how my dad would find it displeasing. I didn’t care anymore, I tried my best to make them see why this wasn’t wrong, what worked more was getting into university, as it allowed them to see things differently from my angle.

Most parents think they know everything: How things were done in their time and how they think that knowledge works better in a time different from theirs, this is the reason they hold to their beliefs so strongly.

What to do.

The following are the steps to take to make your parents understand you.

* Timing

“Timing is everything.” — Buck Brannaman

Timing is essential in life; before deciding to talk to your parents ensure the timing is right. Parents are also humans and can get distracted or even stressed. Read the room before engaging — if your parents have had a fight, or are tired from their daily activities, bringing up an issue at that moment will not sit well with them. Give them some time, then push for a conversation; there are no stipulated methods to carrying this out, what’s important is for you to find what works for you and go for it.

https://au.reachout.com/articles/5-ways-to-get-your-parents-to-really-listen-to-you

* Tell them how you feel.

Emotions get heightened when hurt is involved, and passing your information across to the receiver may cause problems, if emotions are not well handled. When this happens you may lose the opportunity to communicate effectively because your emotions took over.

Set a date with your parents; write out what you intend to say — this would help you keep tabs, so you won’t miss a thing, tell them how you feel honestly.

Last year, I did a course on office communication, where I was taught how to handle conflict with a colleague especially one that hurt you — my take home from that part of the course was the use of the letter “I” and communicating how the person hurt you… For example, I felt your words sounded offensive and meant you don’t value my opinion on the matter. Instead of saying you were offensive and didn’t value my opinions on the matter.

You can express yourself more clearly and get your point across without sounding judgemental.

Talking to Your Parents

* Consider the result you want.

Over the years, I have come to understand that whatever conversation you are having; it's important to know why you are having the conversation and what you want to get from it. Don’t have an aimless conversation with your parents to vent your anger on them and xoxo, that won’t get anything done for you.

What do you want to achieve at the end of the conversation, write it down and push for such?

* Understand differences.

As earlier discussed, generational gaps and cultural differences act as a barrier to understanding between parents and their kids. While seeking to communicate how you feel, ensure to bring this in the picture as it will guide you on how to make them see your points.

* Listen to them

Your parents will have their say on the matter presented, ensure you listen to their side of the story. Be empathetic, respectful, and calm, and practice active listening. Remember, they are coming from a generation different from yours and their views will say the same.

* Proffer a solution

After the discussion, make sure to come up with a solution where you both have an understanding of. Compromise will take effect here; it is paramount you know what you can compromise to get closer to your parents.

How to Get Your Parents to See Your Point of View

Note: You may do the above and still your parents don’t understand you or listen. What you can do when either happens, is to seek help from friends or relatives.

Find someone your parents listen to and feed them in on all the details, push that they converse with your parents, as the matter affects you greatly. Speaking to friends can also make you feel appreciated or loved.

Advice To Parents.

• My first advice to parents is that they let their kids live their lives while guiding them in love. Parenting isn’t an easy task, with proper counseling and educational books on parenting, it becomes less difficult. Don’t push them to do something they are not interested in, give them room to grow, and appreciate them often.
• Please learn to listen to your children — you are not always right. Learn to say I am sorry whenever you hurt your child some parents know when they do this. Apologizing when wrong doesn’t mean you are a weakling, it tells the child that you are sensitive to his/her needs and builds an emotional connection with that child. You educate your child on the importance of taking responsibility for their actions when you apologize.
• Try to see the world from your child’s lens — this may be difficult sometimes. Trust me, the more you do this, the better connection you get with your child.
• Stop comparison — no child is the same, children hate to be compared. It affects their self-esteem and self-image. Love your child the way they are, instead of comparing, try constructive criticism — this is a helpful way of giving feedback that provides specific, actionable suggestions. It gives specific recommendations on how to make positive improvements.
• For example; if your son is in the habit of soiling his school uniform from sports activity, instead of comparing him with your neighbors’ child. Praise him instead for taking an interest in sports while encouraging him on the benefits of keeping his uniforms clean.

https://www.indeed.com/career-advice/career-development/constructive-criticism

On a final note:

Hope that things will change and if your parents do change, be empathetic enough to give them room for improvement because change takes time.

In summary.

• Timing
• Tell them how you feel
• Consider the results you want
• Understand differences
• Listen to them
• Profer solutions.

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